Published Ruminations
non-deep thoughts by Matthew W. Schmeer
For a long time, Matthew subscribed to the Ruminations email list at TopFive.com, a daily email of twisted, pithy, or humorous sayings in the vein of Saturday Night Live's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" bit.
As time wore on, he submitted a few of his own ruminations, and a number of them were published and circulated throughout the Internet. Recently he did a Google search on his name which turned up a fair number of hits indicating his ruminations were being used in many folks' email signatures. He decided to collect all of his published ruminations and post them here, just because he can.
ClubTop5 Ruminations for May 28, 2002
Wherever you go, there you are--unless, of course you're Schroedinger's cat, in which case maybe you aren't.
Ruminations/Top 5 list for February 7, 2002
I've found a way to tap into the space-time continuum using nothing more than three paper clips, a roll of Scotch tape, and the magnetic stripe on the back of my ID badge. Unfortunately, the future looks a lot like the present, except three feet over and with more cheese.
Ruminations/Top 5 list for December 18, 2001
If I ever catch the monkey that stole my wallet, well, I'll keep him, 'cause it'd be handy to have a monkey that can steal wallets.
Ruminations/Top 5 list for December 17, 2001
If I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together, do you think they would mind giving us separate checks?
ClubTop5 Ruminations for September 24, 2001
If Satan and Santa met at a holiday party, well, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Except for maybe if Satan is into eating flies and stuff.
ClubTop5/Ruminations/Top 5 list for September 24, 2001
A tidbit for all you math geeks: if you divide a peck of pickled peppers by how much wood a woodchuck chucks to the fiddler-three power, then the square root of the result is always four-and-twenty!
Ruminations for Sepetmber 21, 2001
If the meaning of life can be found watching porn, I am *so* much closer to figuring it out than the rest of you losers!
ClubTop5 Ruminations for September 20, 2001
You know, there's nothing like a good old stick in the eye. Well, except for TWO sticks in the eye -- but who's THAT lucky?!
My graduation party would have been the party to end all parties if I hadn't invited that exchange student from Amway.
Ruminations for July 6, 2001/Top 5 list for July 6, 2001
Alas, my pet turtle's day at the kitchen amusement park ended abruptly when he got stuck in the Toaster ride.
Ruminations for July 6, 2001
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, good luck getting your HMO to approve physical therapy on THAT one.
ClubTop5 Ruminations for June 18, 2001
You'd think that with their sophisticated palates and advanced culinary arts, the French would have found a way to make better salad dressing than the Russians or Italians.
Ruminations for April 9, 2001
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess...but to make a long story short, let's just say you shouldn't trust anyone selling Amway.
Ruminations for March 21, 2001
When my dentist told me he had to fill my cavity, I asked him if he could fill it with Jell-O, 'cause in my book, nothing says fun like a tooth full of Jell-O.
Ruminations for January 26, 2000
I am thoroughly convinced that the game "Peek-A-Boo" is rigged by the Shadow Government in a secret conspiracy with the Mafia and the KGB. How else do you explain it's universal appeal and yet *seemingly* simple complexity?
Ruminations for January 25, 2000
My doctor told me laughter is the best medicine, and even wrote me a prescription for it as a joke. I took it to Walgreen's and got a bottle of Viagra that's refillable 13 times. Who's laughing now, doc? Who's laughing now?!?
Ruminations for January 12, 1999
There's a guy I work with everybody calls "Lefty." Personally, I think it makes more sense to call him "Mr.-Can't-Keep-His-Hand-Out-Of-The-Till-Even-Though-We-Warned-You-About-Our-High-Tech-Security-Measures."
Ruminations for December 21, 1998
I want my last words to be put on my tombstone. Unless my last words are something like "Wheee!", 'cause that would just be stupid.
Ruminations for August 10, 1998
You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose without kidnapping him from work at gunpoint, blindfolding him, driving to an undisclosed location, and chaining him to a wall naked. At least, I can't.
Ruminations for July 29, 1998
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a '57 Chevy will just about obliterate them.